March 31st, 2005
I Pulled this from the Liz Stern Archives.. I find that, though I am now a few sizes smaller, every word still fits.
. And then I think.
It's like spumoni ice cream. So appealing and colorful! a happy little ice cream really. So vonderful I get 2 scoops (when I really know I only need one). One scoop would satiate my sniffling tummy, but we as animals always want more. We always want two scoops in life. After a few bites here and there, the novelty wears off, and my tummy is quite hot and bothered with me. !But. me. I still eat that last scoop. Because its there, and I should eat it (small children in Africa come into my brain right about here). And most importantly, because I can. That ice cream is there and I can do whatever I want! And then at the end of my session I have eaten all this ice cream that once seemed so rich and tempting; I eat it and all I have to show for it is a rowdy stomach and some spots on my white camisole. I took and took and took and it all blows up in your face and the end. The ice cream, the lovers, the hearts.
But then I think.
I am me. Strong independent get out my way kind of girl.
Or am I?
I still want someone to tell me they love me to reassure myself.
I still get blushy cheeked when someone sees me singing in my car.
I still have my piece of paper documenting the full name and exact birthday of every stuffed animal I ever owned.
I still prefer cartwheels to walking.
Who am I to say what the hell I am. Or who I am. We make our own destiny, but do we really make it? Or do we just keep falling here and there along a path of mistakes and finally stumble upon our destiny? A nine to five with a wrist brace and clinched teeth? And I always promised myself I would never be that. I'd never be "that guy" who worried so much. But here I am with sawed off nails and a cup of coffee in my hand shaking away at the computer. It's quite sad really. So I'm going to get up, PUT THE COFFEE down, hug my puppy, go running, hang out with my friends ... and smile. because you know what. I am the spumoni of my own life. I have it all right there, and I can eat as much of it as I want.
I've lost all emotions, I hope I find them soon.
Current Mood: relentless
Spumoni is an awesome analogy. I wish I'd tried it...There's still time.
you're so awesome liz. I wish you updated your journal more often...its so fun to read what you write!